Thoughts.

It has been a long week. I'm over due for an actual holiday and you know how that feels right? I've gotten to the point where my attitude at work isn't what it should be. Maybe too its the weather. I'm sure there is a lot of things contributing to my feelings lately. When I'm at my girlfriends house I always enjoy our time together, but it too is an escape from everything else. But, summer is hopefully just around the corner and I always love that.

After work today on my drive home I was feeling tired as hell and so, blue as well. I passed by a school yard and I began to think about the days when I'd pick up one of my daughters from school. I haven't done that in a long time and even though we are all just fine, things aren't as they once were. Plus, they are all old enough now that they don't need their father picking them up anymore. Not unless its the mall or from a friends house. Then, that thought immediately changed and I began thinking of my Father. I began thinking about how drastically my life has changed from the time he was seriously ill and then him passing away until now. What a roller coaster ride I've been on.

I was just chatting on Facebook with an old friend who I must say was very intoxicated and having the most difficult time with his typing. Even though making out what he was trying to say was difficult, I loved it because he is always very honest. I didn't ask but I'm assuming its his day off because I do know he works very hard and being single now and looking solely after his children, he's a great great guy. Just enjoying his day off and letting off some steam I suppose. I used to do that, but not anymore. Shit, Janice and I shared a bottle of wine last night and that almost did me in for work today. I've mellowed. But anyway, our chat on Facebook really had me thinking. We became pretty open about what's happening in our lives these days. And, because of his honesty with his feelings I told him how I had only now realized that after losing my Father, and then my separation, how I had really became a mess. That was the first time I had ever told anyone that. I'm sure many people knew I was even though I tried my best to bury it.

Life is sure a learning experience. Hopefully after our own death we have some kind of chance to go on in some way and at least take those experiences with us. Hmm. It would be a shame to reach the end, maybe get it, understand something and then poof! Gone.

What I do realize now is that my life needed changing. The worst thing anyone can ever do is try to exist in a situation where they are unhappy. My God, we cannot do that to ourselves. And so, there I was in turmoil and self pity, hopeless and feeling like everything was out of control. I had choices. Some I would never make, so it narrowed it down a little. I may have had some kind of breakdown. I suppose I did. But, I'm stronger than I ever give myself credit for. That's for sure. The confusing choices I lay out for myself began to fade away because they were all nonsense anyway and therefor I left myself only one choice. I moved forward. And sometimes moving forward isn't that easy is it? But what's wrong with a couple of years to straighten things out? Damn, the years pass quick enough you don't even miss them if they aren't good years.

So, when we are in rough situations the only way to fix anything is to solve it. The only way to solve anything, especially when its a difficult problem is to not give up on it. Stay positive. Always think positive. Make decisions based upon positive things. Surround yourself with positive people. Life your life positive. Anything you've ever done that seems like a bad cycle that brings you always back to where it was you sat uncomfortably must go away. Sounds like a self help program doesn't it? haha. Maybe some people need a program, but its common sense really isn't it? Surrounding yourself with good people is very important. And, always remaining close with your family. That is, if you can handle that. I'm lucky. I have a great family. Some people have issues and I'm just grateful I don't have that problem. I was also telling this old friend about how much my life has changed being in my new relationship. Wow, has it ever. She has opened up new doors and meeting her family has been wonderful. It's all coming around to where it should be again and for that I am thankful.

I suppose every once and awhile we all can't help but look back and it bring us down a little. What's really good though is looking ahead and that in itself bringing us back up again......